Labyrinth
by spaboolly
Summary: At first, Link's new role as a hero left him feeling overwhelmed and eager to do what needed to be done to save his friends and their world. Now, he's just exasperated beyond reason. Takes place in the later parts of Twilight Princess. A bit of lighthearted satire at the pure ridiculousness of some of the Legendary Hero's missions.


"Link, she knows something important," Midna says. "If we want to find the last Mirror Shard we'll have to help that girl get her memory back." And with this, Link sets forth once again on another insufferable task that seems never-ending.

**Step One:** Link transforms into a wolf and Midna warps them to Kakariko Village. They quickly duck into a nearby cave so that Link can return to human form, because apparently seeing a wolf with an odd-looking imp on its back fall from the sky isn't as frightening as seeing the wolf turn into a human. He emerges from the mouth of the cave and heads toward Renado's hut (No, not "sanctuary." Hut!).

"Ah, Link, take this message to Telma in Castle Town. I'd do it myself, but that woman gives me the creeps."

**Step Two:** Link goes to Castle Town and makes his way to Telma's bar. He gives her the package with the letter, which she quickly reads over.

"I don't know anything. You might want to ask that doctor here in Town. She was brought to him first. I'd do it myself but that doctor gives me the creeps." Link's expression clearly reflects his firm conviction that she has no right to talk.

** Step Three:** Link goes to the doctor's office and asks him about Ilia. He speaks of a little statue she had on her. He says he spilled some medicine on it and put it out to dry. It is now missing. Typical...

Link, deciding it is time to make use of his sharp canine senses, turns into a wolf and sniffs the medicine to pick up its scent (which the doctor is too whacked to notice). Rather inconveniently, Link must momentarily return to human form to open the door and proceed outside. There is, however, a convenient alley nearby for him to once again transform into a wolf. He locates the medicine's scent and follows its trail... right back to the bar. More specifically: Telma's cat.

Louise shamelessly admits to stealing the little wooden figurine, but claims she was mugged outside of town and that the object is now in the possession of a large pack of vicious skeleton dogs.

** Step Four:** Link leaves Castle Town to fight the large pack of vicious skeleton dogs... for a little wooden statue. After that is done, he returns to Kakariko Village to present it to Ilia and jog her memory.

"Yes. I'm starting to remember. I was in a village where all these marauders lived. And there was this old woman there."

"I think I know what she's talking about," Random Goron Dude says. "There is a village in the northern part of Eldin Province. It was once home to a tribe known as the Sheikah. They devoted their lives to serving the Royal Family of Hyrule. They abandoned the village long ago. Now it is home to a group of thieves who stealing from travelers passing through the area (not to mention knock them off of horses with their stupid overgrown pigs)."

Everyone turns to give the Goron the universally understood "Thank You, Mr. Geek" look. Which the arrogant fellow pointedly ignores.

"Come. I will take you there."

"It's too dangerous," Renado protests.

"For a puny human, perhaps. But not for a Goron (what would you expect from people who eat rocks?)." Darbus then leads Link to the Hidden Village. He smashes through the boulders and tells Link to shoot all twenty of the marauders before going to the Old Cat Lady (interesting how he knows exactly how many of them there are).

** Step Five: ** This step begins when night falls over the town and the Old Western Music starts to play in the background. It's more like a game really. Just shoot the dudes with arrows.

**Step Six: ** After Link's taken out the Marauder Dudes, he goes to the mysterious door at the north end of the village. This time the Old Cat Lady opens up the door and invites him in. She tells him a long, typical old person style story and then gives him this ancient book and a charm that belongs to Ilia. Uh, thanks?

** Step Seven:** Link again heads back to Kakariko Village and returns the charm to Ilia. She finally remembers Link (he, of course, comes in second to the horse) and tells him that she made the horse call for him before he left on his errand.

_Oh yeah... I'd forgotten about that_, Link thinks to himself. Only then does he realize that he and Ilia have been holding hands this whole time. His deep blue eyes move from their joined hands to her face. Her cheeks are slightly flushed, her eyes locked with his, and a slight smile invites his attention to her soft pink lips. With his heart pounding rapidly, Link hesitantly starts to move his face toward hers.

Renado feels this is the most appropriate time to tell Link to go do something for him (What an idiot! Always such bad timing). "Perhaps you could assist our colleague down in the cellar, Link."

**Step Eight:** Link trudges down to the cellar to find one of Telma's friends, Shad, staring intently at a statue, which he learns is supposed to have a "passage to the heavens" behind it. Midna reminds Link that the final mirror shard is located in the heavens. Link, on a hunch, shows Shad the book from the Old Cat Lady and rewarded by a whoop of joy from the wiry academic. Shad reads the words on the page, but when he gets to the end he realizes that one word is missing. Again, typical...

"I think I'll keep investigating the other statues like this in Hyrule. Here, I'll mark them on your map, should you need to find me."

**Step Nine:** Midna, always helpful during Link's adventure, tells him to use the newly restored Dominion Rod (and poorly named, to certain individuals with developmentally stagnant minds) to move the other statues to unleash their magic. Link then goes to each statue around Hyrule and gains one letter of the missing word from each. It is theorized that these characters were hidden to protect the passage from certain dark forces, but the more practical (and well-tested) hypothesis proposes that the ancient people just wanted whatever hapless adventurer came upon them to get a lot of exercise.

** Step Ten: ** Link once again returns to Kakariko Village with the formerly blank word filled in and tries the completed spell on the basement statue. This time, the stone in the middle breaks, making it vulnerable to the mystical powers of the Dominion Rod. Link uses it to move the statue, discovering that there is indeed a secret passageway. Midna appears from Link's shadow.

"Let's see what's down there," she says, as if Link's first response would have been to walk away and have a cup of tea with Darbus.

At that moment, the archaeologist appears and spots first the passageway, then Midna. He faints.

"Oops. I must have scared him. We'd better put the statue back where it was before he wakes up. He might come after us." Likely a poor choice for someone who faints at the sight of a little imp stuck in a shadow.

Link and Midna proceed down the now blocked passageway to a large chamber. There, they find a huge (broken) cannon (Renado had all this in his basement?). Midna warps it to Lake Hylia and Link pays an outrageous amount of rupees for that strange guy, Fyer, who runs that amusement park ride to fix it. Once the repairs are complete (after five days even though he claimed it would take only five minutes), Link is blasted off into the heavens (along with Midna and that strange chicken lady who keeps popping up everywhere). And after all that effort, what do they find? Another dungeon!


End file.
